The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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