If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I faked an abortion last night.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
