I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
