For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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