i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
