**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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