I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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