Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
