good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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