Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
