Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
