Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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