You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
