Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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