Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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