Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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