He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
