I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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