I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think my moral compass just broke
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
