The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In other news, I just burned my penis
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
