So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
