thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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