I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
