So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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