I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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