i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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