ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
