I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
