I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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