No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
