Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
