thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
