yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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