I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
