what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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