I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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