My hand turned me down
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize