The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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