My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
