The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
