How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Randomize
