Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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