Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't turn off my feet"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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