I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
