do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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