Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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