Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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