now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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