Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
