Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
