Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
