Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
