No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His hands were made for my vagina.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
