Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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