She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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