yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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