Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
